Thief (A.K.A 2nd draft of stolen identity)

So a day or two a go when I posted Stolen Identity I got some great constructive feedback, which I hope I get again. Taking EVERYONE and what they commented into account I have done a 2nd draft. This is only the first half of the chapter the other half will come soon. To be honest barely any of it this same, I mean barely any. But I gather that often happens from your first draft. Also as my character is an orphan I have changed his name to Jake from Dhylan. Hope you enjoy it, please like and comment. Thanks

He stood on the edge of the market, almost appearing to vanish  into the shadows cast over him by the city walls .Nobody even noticed him anymore;he had almost become part of the scenery. Slowly, as to not draw attention to himself, he began to move forwards ,purposefully towards the bakers stall . He had timed it perfectly ;the baker, who was occupied in a feeble attempt to con a customer of his money, didn’t even notice the stranger advancing towards his stall. As he neared the stall the smell of fresh baked bread flooded into his nostrils. Longing filled him. He puased roughly five metres from the stall;he ran through his escape in his head, get the bread , head to the entrance, turn left ,  sprint through the streets, and then eat. Eat it all. As he pretended to search for coins in his pocket he locked onto his target , a loaf towards the front of the stand to the right of the baker. To any onlooker it looked as if he had found the coins as he  removed  a hand from his pocket. Then in a sudden burst of speed he surged forwards closing the distance in mere seconds. The baker realised far too late what was happening and desperately lashed out at the thief’s wrist with a gnarled, pale hand. In an attempt to free himself from the man’s iron grip the thief slammed the table over and sent it flying into the baker. Reeling, the baker dropped to the dirt howling curses. The thief twisted on his right foot and dashed forwards through the unfolding carnage. Happiness and freedom surged through him.If your stall was robbed in the market that was your problem, nobody tried to help you, that was his power play, that was how he was as good as gone. Suddenly, a coarse hand grabbed his ragged shirt, stopping him from running any further. As he twisted round to confront his attacker the distinctive smell of sea air wafted over him: nobody tries to help,he thought,  nobody except sailors. As the realization dawned on him he was fueled by desperation, one hand still tightly clutching the bread he struck out dragging his finger nails right down the sailors hand, blood spurting as the sailor screamed in pain. The man’s grip went limp and the thief pushed his hand away. Still holding the bread he was about to run when the sailor’s fist slammed into his stomach ; with a dramatic ‘whooshing’ sound the air was punched out of his chest. He let out a gasp of pain as he crumpled to the floor, writhing in pain as he clutched his stomache. His voice cracked as a desperated sob passed his lips. Almost as quickly as the pain had come it ended. Slowly he opened his eyes’ to the sight of a muscled sailor, with a limp hand by his side and rage burning in his eyes.

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    9 thoughts on “Thief (A.K.A 2nd draft of stolen identity)

    1. I think it is better, you have improved already. I am astounded that you are 12. Your writing is good compared to some people I know. Don’t give up on improving, I do it constantly. I spend hours looking at a sentence sometimes.
      Please don’t post a response on my blog; if it is unrelated to the post, then don’t please.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. line 2 – anymore;he . Semicolon use if very tricky and most people use them incorrectly. I never use them any more so don’t make the errors. I just end and start a new sentence. Up to me I would remove the semicolon from punctuation completely. You may have used them correctly here but I did not check.
      line 3 – you use forwards and towards several times. Check in dictionary if proper with or without s.
      line 4 – bakers to baker’s
      See rules: how do I punctuate as character speaking to himself. Italics is incorrect. Jim wondered if he would be killed OK as normal sentence in paragraph and also OK Jim wondered; “Will I be killed?”
      I would make this section at least two paragraphs: One for the theft and one for the fight.
      line 12 – I can’t tell if it’s thief’s but that is correct.
      line 13 – gnarled pale hand. I don’t think you need comma for two back to back adj’s . But yes commas three or more and same with adv’s. Good description. I see it in my mind’s eye. Use more adv’s and adj’s but sparingly or then it becomes just too much clutter in the story in my opinion.
      line 24 – “whooshing” don’t need apostrophes.
      26 you have written as both stomache and stomach is story. Which is correct ? Incorrect one should have been flagged by spell check.
      line 26 – desperated to desperate.
      next to last line eyes’ to eyes.
      Your muscled sailor: Muscled in what way? Monstrously, astonishingly, frighteningly. incredibly ? Did he look like the Hulk without the green? (these allusions make the work appreciated by the reader). Did he have a beard? Tattoos ? What does the market look like ? Need a setting. Paris? Singapore? Cairo ? Pick an enchanting place not a small harbor in New Jersey. Once again little details used sparingly make pictures form in the mind of the reader. If pictures are not forming in the reader’s mind as he reads, well, that means the reader is a vegetable head or the writing is lousy.
      Your fight between the character and the sailor is not believable. Unless your character has hatchets for fingernails the sailor will not be bleeding all over and screaming. Rather, it would make him more infuriated and powerful. Perhaps your character found a piece of iron on the ground(describe it) or had a pocket knife. I drank in a lot of very dangerous and rough bars in my youth. They were full of truckers, bikers, construction workers and just plain big ,ugly crazy men. If you whacked one of these guys with a hammer they’d still tear you apart !
      I proof read this twice and found 10 errors so I fixed them. Remember: proofread, proofread, proofread. Perhaps I made more and that’s an ooooops.
      I

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I appreciate you taking the time to do this so much. I am determined to re-write and re-write until I have nailed the full extent of this first chapter. Sadly though I am not sure what to do as don’t pick up on the mistakes or places for adjectives like you do . So I am not sure how I will be able to continually know what to change in my re-writes. 🤔 If you have any suggestions please say.
        Again thank you a lot I will start my re-write soon ( but first I will do a bit of blog promotion to get new readers 🖖) thanks loads.

        Like

        1. Rewrite the story with my suggestions. Don’t change the story. Rewrite the same story. We are working on mechanics for now not the story. When I look at the rewrite I’ll probably find a few more modifications to make until we are satisfied with the best job we can do. We have to clear up the big stuff and refine after several attempts. Don’t get discouraged. My professors in my first two years of college chopped up everything I wrote and got many D’s and F’s. You can find “practice with adj’s and adv’s” work sheets and workbooks to download.

          Yes, take a break. Blog and visit your friends’ blogs. That gives some refreshment. Remember, today’s 18-19 year old college students are going through the very same thing and you are writing better than many of them. My experience is that far too many English teachers today don’t know mechanics because they study literature and very little grammar so they don’t teach grammar because they don’t know it themselves. A good 5th or 6th grade grammar book will help you. Study it and do all the practice exercises. Get one with answers guide.

          We learn(and completely master ) these upper elementary skills before we can write. They are like the multiplication tables in math. Can’t do math without times tables. Can’t do writing without grammar mastery.

          Liked by 1 person

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