Stolen Itendity

This is a random intro for a story I wrote, I hope you like it. If so plz follow like comment and reblog πŸ‘.

Chapter 1
One year ago if someone had told me I would’ve been stealing food off the butchers counter I would have scoffed!Those were my thoughts as I raced through the alley , driven to run faster by the angry butcher holding a meat cleaver charging after me. I clutched the chicken even closer to myself as I ran. Stumbling i staggered on through the crowded back alleys of the city. Behind me I could hear the enraged butcher howling curses to the wind. Suddenly i slipped , tumbling to the dust I desperately tried to get to my feet but it was too late. The butcher kicked me back to the ground, he was a monster of a man pushing 6ft4 he towered above me. Curling up into a ball I prepared myself for the inevitable beating, praying his cleaver would not be used. It didn’t come, a man was bargaining with him, offering him money. The butchers studded boot slammed into my ribs, seemingly his way of saying goodbye. With a final string of curses he left. The tidal wave of relief that washed over me was short lived as I was ordered to my feet. As I rose sudden pain exploded in the back of my head then it all went black…

I woke with a start on the back of a moving carriage , I was bundled in the back like a sack of grain. Then the pain caught up with me, a constant flaring agony

 burning through the my skull. Every breath was torture. Then I heard a mans voice, his tone was not threatening or overly loud yet it commanded your attention , it gripped you , but within that tone there was a sense of warning.

“Ah Dylan , your awake.” With those four words my alarm bells went off…how did he know my real name.


“Look I should tell you now, if you are thinking of running look around yourself, Dylan there is nowhere to run.”

It was then I realised where I was, I was in the marshes .The marshes stretched for miles and miles , great fields of quagmire and reeds.Nobody went into the marshes for fear of getting lost.

“Look kid you have a long journey ahead of you I suggest you get some rest.”As I lay in the jolting carriage trundling on through sticky mud and quagmire I couldn’t rest. There where too many questions racing through my mind.

‘Who was the man.’

‘Where was he taking me.’

‘Why did he want me.’

‘How did he know my real name.’



17 thoughts on “Stolen Itendity

  1. I think it is better, you have improved already. I am astounded that you are 12. Your writing is very good compared to some people I know.
    Please don’t post a response on my blog; if it is unrelated to the post, then don’t please.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Character seems very flat ATM, try to work on that. How was he feeling? What was he experiencing in terms of senses? He gets a good kicking but seems to be iron man.
    The title is spelt wrong. I enjoyed the story in terms of plot but even that needs work.
    Keep it up! No one gets it right first time.
    Curious how old are you and are you male or female?

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Sounds like you have a great imagination and a good basis for a story plot. There’s a lot of intrigue to your writing from the beginning, and you know how to keep a reader reading. πŸ™‚

    I would suggest reading your work aloud – that’s a great way to check the flow of your writing and reevaluate the positioning of your punctuation. I do this with everything I write, as it helps to know when the natural breath pauses are, helping with placements of commas and making sure you have varied sentence structure.

    It would also go great with your style to spruce it up a bit and use some semi colons, dashes, exclamation marks and question marks to add flow and even more mystery, suspense and gripping atmosphere. πŸ™‚

    Keep it up, don’t stop writing and well done for getting yourself out there.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re welcome. πŸ™‚ Being interested in writing is a good thing and you should never be discouraged but that passion. Just write a lot so you get practise, read a lot of books, and keep yourself interested … you’ll get better. You’ll look back on this blog and see how much you have improved one day … in the next few years you could write something really great, especially in the day and age of young writers. πŸ™‚
        You definitely have a knack for suspense and a good basis for plots. Be proud. πŸ™‚


  4. You asked me to take a look and comment. Suggestions:

    Don’t need ! in first sentence. It is a declaratory sentence not an exclamatory sentence.

    5th line – i to I

    9th line – butchers to butcher’s.

    burning through the my skull cut word “the”

    3rd paragraph – your attention, it gripped you to your attention. It gripped you

    4th paragraph – your to you’re. went off… to went off.(no …) How did he know my real name(need ? ) Eliminate word “real”. Also eliminate “real” in last sentence of story.Your name is real in itself just by being your name. You don’t need “real” unless you have given a false name and that is not indicated.

    2nd and 3rd paragraphs should be combined.

    4th and 5th paragraphs should be indented. Any time you have a quote in dialogue, the new person’s speaking line/s should be indented. Read a page in a novel with dialogue to see how it’s done. Matter of fact even regular paragraphs should be indented not a margin as is here.

    6th paragraph – first sentence should end in period not comma.

    Your last 4 statement/paragraphs do no need apostrophes. If you were quoting you would use ” not ‘. But you are not quoting.They each need ? I would put these in one sentence. But if you say: I asked myself “what time it was?” that’s a quote of yourself.

    You need a lot of proof reading and study of grammar and punctuation. Some things you should have caught yourself like I instead of i and you’re instead of your. I was high school history teacher 33 years and published articles and written a great deal. No matter how good at copy editing I am I always let another person or two proof read my essay as I often don’t catch my own errors. Often our mind sees what’s supposed to be there not what we actually wrote.

    I hardly ever reblog a post on my blog but sometimes I may put a person’s work on facebook or twitter. The reblog would need to be of especially high quality and interest to my followers. I never ask anyone to reblog my work. Often they do and I do not copyright and I appreciate that they have shared but prefer they asked permission first except if it a regular visitor to my blog who I know. Unfortunately I cannot stop a reblog of my cartoons on a blog that is nasty and offensive but I cannot stop that even though I do not care to be associated with their unwholesomeness. I have taken the time for you to help but I cannot do this regularly. I have several people who ask me to proof read their novel chapters for them. No way I have the time even if they paid me $10 a page. But I took time for you because I encourage young people in their writing and encourage newbies in blogging.

    One thing you have done very very well in your opening of the story is to give the reader a desire to read future chapters because one feels something of interest is going to evolve from your opening. It does hook the reader and that is the number one ability a writer must have.You’ve done this admirably and you have talent as displayed in this effort. Good luck and keep writing. It took me many years to have the ability in writing I now have and that came with practice and three college degrees. Good luck and thanks for visiting my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you a lot for taking the time to go over this. I really appreciate. Bearing in mind your comments I will attempt a 2nd draft of this chapter soon. I also believe I have a lot to work and as a 12 year old know I have a lot of improvement to do.


      1. Young lady if you are 12 years old I would give you an A+ for this effort. You are above grade level compared to many students today and your biggest plus is your imagination. I am confident of your success if you have “sticktoitness” re writing.

        Liked by 1 person

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